dytinanonsi

yep

2006-10-08T00:38:43Z

Did you ever notice that the wierdest shit hits you, affects you, warps your fucking mind, a colour a thought a movie a picture, some days even a sound. Then all tha you have is forgotten, all that you are is gone, and whats left? Most days not enough, most days.
Honestly the hardest question i ever seem to deal with is why? gettin gup in the morning is easy, just dont think about it, do it, routine habit, it keeps you alive, but why to what purpose?
now i know that this crap is sad and depressing, sorry for that the weekends hit me this way, all the quiet time, i'm usually better during the week, taht and happiness contentment, they have no motivation to share all my thoughts and feelings,
I feel tired, alone, sad, i dont really want to be awake, but sleep holds no solice. Later

day

2006-06-19T01:45:31Z

I got to drive a dump truck around all day on Friday.

life

2006-06-05T01:59:06Z

I work, i'm not dead yet, and i keep going thats about it people, not much else besides work and existance. Though i swear somedays that fate, live the universe is trying to get me, i haven't dropped yet, maybe next time. Later

again

2006-05-30T01:53:41Z

hey, whoever happens to read this nonsense, had a fairly un interesting weekend, had a picninc today, and spent way to much money on the interent, i should really not allow myself to shop on it, i just buy stuff that i think i want. The park is filled with people right now, well not so much people as stuff, squads and such, apparently there was a shooting a few minutes ago, 2 fatalites, another 3 injured, atleast thats the word, you would think this would make me think about mortality or something, but no not really. It's just words right now, i have no faces or anything to connect to it, so i really cant feel that bad, maybe later, huh?
Well work is going okay, kinda fun, found out that i am crazy, they told me so, therapy is interesting, and not much else, later

sure

2006-04-26T01:44:15Z

found 20 dollars while cleaning trash at work, decided the twenty has to go to something frivoulous not sure what yet, went to doctor boring. work is fine, eaier job than the club, fewer tips, less hours, oh well, slightly bette rpay if they ever decide to pay me, later

yes no

2006-04-14T19:24:13Z

I love summer its warm sunny and the weather is beautiful even if it is only spring, i like ahving a job again.
I hate summer its a time of lack of social contact for me, too much work, and it tends to be depressing.
I tell only the truth even when the truth contradicts itself. I tell only the truth even when the truth is a lie. I do not lie.

update

2006-04-14T00:16:33Z

got a job, tired, back hurts, and i dont get paid for another three weeks. oh well i am working now, which means in theory i will get money eventually, later all.

sure

2006-04-11T03:50:27Z

how goes it? Trying to make reality work for me, yeah sure, have a few prospects that i am hoping work for me, but who knows, still in therapy, haven't done enough to find out whether or not it works, so yeah sure, gonna keep waking up in the morningand going through the whole routine, maybe it will work out righ one of these days
later

yep

2006-04-05T03:19:51Z

Hi all, i ain't dead yet, none of you is that lucky. Not much in the way of changes, maybe, kinda sorta, who knows. Might be getting a job soon. i am in therapy, goody goody, apparently my therepist thinks i am depressed, who knew. so i now get to go talk about my problems feelings etc. once a week, it make sme feel crazy to be tlaking to a shrink, especially with the kinds of things that i tell him, in a relatively truthful manner. so we will see how all of this goes. also if i get the job, then i will be putting a serious effort into getting my motorcycle liscensed and insured so i can ride it, hopefully will get around to doing that more this time, later.

bob

2006-02-27T03:43:44Z

long week, not talking about it, if you dont know ask,
tired, sore, lost alone
i dont know what to do anymore, nothing works, i think
couldn't tell you
i dont want to care any more, dont want to try
just close my eyes

but that wont work
dont know what to do anymore,
half my friends are happy, half sad,
and honestly almsot nothing for me has changed, good or bad, jsut them, i'm a bloody balnce point
i dont want to try or care any more, but some instinct in my head wont let me give up,
dont understand, dont know
bet you cant guess whether or not i am an optimist or a pessimist

Innocence Lost

2006-02-15T21:29:40Z

at one point i was an innocent, pure, uncorrupted. that changed.
i've done things i'm not proud of. i've got the scars both physical and mental to prove that i am no longer pefect, no longer what i was. I've been on medication for years, that stuff does almost nothing good, yeah it prolongs life, but its horrible on the soul. I've sucked enough chemicals and smoke and other crap throughout my twenty one years, that my breathing, never great has significantly worsened. oh well
my hands are what remind me of these things, the trigger point of the whole idea:
When i was smaller, they were perfect, unmarred, beautiful things. Now they are scarred, and hurt constantly. the cold hurts, writing hurts, hell typing this makes the joints in my fingers hurt.
As i get older i notice that most of my joints hurt for no real reason, back neck elbows wrists knees. One of these days the whole entity that is me will most likely give out. I'm healthy by a technical definition
People look toward the future with hope , most days i just assume it will be work toil and more pain, i expect to get out of college and get a job i never really wanted making less than i would like and working until the day my body decides to quite. Most likely dying slow, of cancer or some such, that what i see, its what i can expect, for the most part i've given up on happieness, i dont really believe in things like that atleast not when applied to me, Love is another word i haven't beleived in in years
Yeah, i'm jaded, depressive, and not all that great of a person, but honestly am i wrong?

morning

2006-02-15T01:08:15Z

Hi, tired head hurts back hurts, i figure if i ever had a day without something hurting, i'd figure the world was ending
Did something today that might mean something, might mean nothing, might change reality, might as well have not happened
Do you understand or just pretend you do? I don't think they get it, never have, never will, always have, always will.
Now the real trivk is interpretting this nonsense this jumble, things are often good, though things are often bad, the trick is that most thingsa re no longer, and the future is a blank slate, not as beautiful as it once was, not as big and shiny, its lost its luster, and isn't as nice as the past portrays, but it can still change, turn into something great, maybe.
Do you get it, do I, do i mean what i say, or merely listen to the void? is there a future, a past, doesn't any of it matter, now ever?
who knows, what i know is often a lot, but it is dwarfed by that which i dont
i do what i do, and i try, often not in the right times but i do, so i'll walk my road on into the future, until i fall,
the road never ends not truly, and no man women child, anything really, can ever see it all, can ever get to the end.
So i walk till i stop, i walk alone, sorry but its the way it is,

Here

2006-01-13T08:38:41Z

you know i dont even know who reads this anymore. i know somebody must because at times i get comments on it from other people. yeah. somewhat tired, not tired enough mind you but hey. lots of bad karma earlier this week, i need not get into it.
new paragraph. not drunk mind you haven't touched the stuff. contemplating stuff, trying to make decisions, you'd be amazed how poorly that works. I think reality is broken right now, it doesn't work the way it ought to, now dont ask how it ought to work i'm not sure but it isn't right its broken.
now if you dont know what i mean then i cant explain it to you, and if you think you know what i mean you are most likely wrong. have one or two good things floating through the currents taht are my thoughts, but i know how things work, and you'd be amazed how often i am not wrong. so this nice semi happy thoughts will most likely never amount to anything, oh well
got certain bad things fixed, and haven't aquired any news ones really in the last couple fo days, plus my hand doesn't hurt , scratch that, my little finger on my right hand doesn't hurt anymore. That kind of pissed me off, the right hand arm and body in general aren't supposed to get scars and such, that is for the left side, for though it is complelely and totally acceptable for the left side of my body to be marred and scarred it is unacceptable for such to happen to the right side. Now why does this happen why is this truth, this is because the right side of my body to my way of thinking is the better side, and thus should not be treated to this sort of maltreatment. now thinking about it logically it makes a pseudo sense, my bad eye is the left, my dominant hand is the right, as i beleive is my right leg, as most of my right parts as superior to my left it only makes sense that they should be less marked. even my piercings are on the left and inferior side
Now i know i sound nuts in this, but if it makes you feal better i sound nuts most days, you just dont pay enough attention.
Finally, maybe, they are plotting against me again, well again is not entirely accurate, because i dont think they ever stopped, now who they is is not entirely clear, other then they are them and i am not. i dont know what they want but they are most definitely plotting something involving me, and as soon as i figure it all out i will do somethin
this is my incoherent jumble of words, and i maitain the right to deny any and all of it at any given moment.

not dead yet

2006-01-10T04:22:19Z

Hi, i'm tired sore and stressed. My hand still hurts from where the piano cut me on new years, and my back hurts just cause. people are yeah, exactly, and i have way to much free time, i hate it. i got myself staying up till three four every day, and that sucks, and i then sleep till 1 o clock, yeah goody whatever. still no job, dont really feal like looking for one. nothing has really gone right lately, but it hasn't gone wrong enough to really justify complaining.
so thats how thinggs stand kinda sorta mostly, like i said i'm not dead yet, so later all

How goes it?

2005-12-12T19:35:07Z

New update, dont like Honda cars right now, they dont stand up to impact well. Tired, and more of me hurts than i would like. Not the emotional thing, we need not deal with that sort of thing today, just the physical. well not really in the mood to talk much, later

Status Report:

2005-11-28T00:36:54Z

1. finished paper
2. got christmas tree and moved it
3. trees itch

Thats about it for the moment

Bad karma, later friend

2005-11-17T03:17:29Z

Ya ever lose a friend? not just so that you cant find him, but you get to watch him going down hill getting worse and worse, assuring you that he's fine, he's got his problems under control. Yeah he's a drug addict, my friend since i was fifteen, but he's okay, he swears it. he'll get it back under control soon, no worries. He doesn't get better, same stuff, hell i even helped him get his stuff once in a while, give him a ride here or there, help him get money, the usual, and he doesn't get better, worse and worse, he doesn't look all that much different, but his house does, his life. His collection of dvd's once numbering in the hundreds, dwindles down to a dozen or so, his turn tables, the music that he once told me meant more to him than his girlfirend, meant more to him than most anything else in his life, sold for more drugs, bad karma man. My friend down on his luck.
Now he starts stealing stuff to get money, borrowing money he never intends to give back, he gets caught and jailed. He loses his house, and ends up living with a crack dealer, he's been doing it for weeks now, his normal stuff having gotten to expensive for him, his longtime girlfriend in just as sorry shape as him, not as close a friend of mine, but someone i've known for years.
I got a phone call tonight, hi Bjorn, how ya doing, i'm in jail, i need 200 bucks. Sorry man cant help you.
Now he's in jail, again, a drug addict, nothing left, lost his house his dreams, his life, nothing to show for it.
Sad ain't it? my friend, mostly gone now, a shadow, maybe he'll get better, right? put his life straight and fix the bad. doubt it, not likely, oh well what you gonna do about it right?
BAD KARMA
BAD KARMA
BAD KARMA

a yep

2005-11-15T23:00:18Z

Hey how'g it going? going hunting this weekend, probably. Not sure its worth bringing a gun with me though, i've never shot a deer, and never shot at one, so i figure loosing the wieght of the gun wont adversly affect my performance
MHook52: you here?
Die Bretter: yep
MHook52: was looking for orange stuff
MHook52: silly looking
Die Bretter: the orange stuff or looking?
MHook52: put the new scope on my gun today, not sighted in
MHook52: the orange
MHook52: also not sure the iron sights are acurate, never fired the thing before, and i dont actually own any ammo for it
Die Bretter: that might be a problem if a deer comes in the way...but i dont think it'll happen so there's not much to worry about
MHook52: no, not really
MHook52: honestly i figure i wont do any worse than last year if i have no gun, so no ammo isn't really going to lower my average
Die Bretter: with no ammo tho there's gonna be like a huge buck just staring you down like 2 feet from you
MHook52: yeah, but thats fine, i'll wrestle him to death
MHook52: i got a knife
Die Bretter: they got antler things
MHook52: i can take him
Die Bretter: lol
Die Bretter: just keep him busy..yell..and someone'll get the truck
MHook52: and hit him right?
Die Bretter: yep
MHook52: you still got steve's gun?
Die Bretter: yep
MHook52: and he's not going?
Die Bretter: he is..but he's prolly gonna use one of gramps or something
MHook52: not sure huh?
i am obviously very confident, well like i says, it wont matter much anyway as i really dont want to shoot anything anyway, have fun

strange days long days

2005-11-10T00:39:26Z

hi, strange day today, though i tend to have either strange or long, or maybe even bad or boring days, today was a strange one. from digging for things in my pockets, to sitting with people half asleep on me in the coffee house, to the rest of it all. kinda cold here, never was a warm room.
i dont know about you, but i seem to be in one of those moods, when all the things in my head want my attention, the old memories that are best forgotten, good and bad, not all things in life are bad, want to be seen, heard, they are dredged up from the depths of the void, resurected for short periods to haunt me again. the bad memories are bad, but often the good ones are equal, and some are just sad, things that are not anymore, and never will be again.
i have my test tomorrow, not worried right now, it'll go how it does, pass or fail, whatever.
i dont know what i want lately, i dont know what i need, i dont even know whats going on anymore, i'm getting tired of trying, doesn't seem to help me much anyway, yeah, whatever peoples, later.

fun

2005-11-09T00:18:41Z

Hi, lots of fun today, stressed, because i have to study for a test that i will fail no matter what i do anyway, but i have to study in the vain hope that i dont fail, not really expecting that , I tend to fail any test involving numbers, more or less because it has numbers. Nephews dont help stress, and my mom making the nephews hit things with hammers doesn't help stress tomorrow. My test isn't till thursday, so i will have lots of time to be stressed out and unhappy, until it happens, then i can leave the class confident in the knowledge that i failed miserably, but mildly hopeful that i will have passed, until such time as i get the results, and discover that yes in fact i have failed miserably. oh well, going to go try to relax enough to study thus making myself stressed out again, dont you love those circles of doom.

ya know

2005-10-31T18:57:23Z

good things today, had fun hanging out at my table, the table, whatever, saw a liscense plate that said "jebus" had money for coffee, and finished my homework. yeah, dont know if listing good things really helps as they already happened, and thus don not exist. weekend was less interesting than i had hoped, didn't go to the movie, and was annoyed with certain people for reasons not currently disclosed. realized that i still care about Mishy, not something i really wanted to do, but oh well, i dont like this whole being a nice guy thing, one i care about other people, two, i tend to feel somewhat betrayed, when i do nice things and get nothing, in return. not like i help Jed, and expect money kind of thing, but i help people one day, and the next day is a bad day, and nothing good ever really happens to me. i think all my good karma must go to someone else, because i rarely recieve the benefit of it.

some people go through tough times in their life, and are strengthened by them. me, the only reason i get up most days is because its habit. i have no real goals in life. i dont honestly expect live to ever be good for me, and i expect to get a job i dont really like after college, and work there, or somewhere else kind of like it, until the day i die. i dont expect happiness, because i have never really found reason to believe it will happen to me. also i have a hard time believeing in the whole romantic love thing, i've had a crush or two, but i dont think i have ever been in love, and i am more or less positive, that no one has ever been in love with me. none of the girls i have associated with, and none of the guys, i hang out with enough people that go both ways, that it is a valid statement.
i dont really know what to do, i dont really have any ambition, i cant believe that it would get me anywhere if i did, honestly i'm tired of the whole thing and would like to just lay down and quit. but i can't because no one seems willing to let me, they cant solve my problems, and i rarely feel better about the whole concpet, but apparently i am not allowed to quit, so now what? i dont know what to do, and am getting tired of trying, NOT going to kill myself anytime soon, i dont need calls confirming whether or not i'm still breathing, i haven't gotten rid of myself yet, and lately hasn't been different enough from my normal existance to justify it now either.
have fun, bye

The dodge

2005-10-29T01:54:09Z

got a call, dan danna and lester were hanging out with me, and trainer calls, his guy has a flat tire and is just past 7 mile fair, can you come help, sure why not. i drive all the way out, and find a bluish looking car, pulll over to help and its the wrong guy, so i drive him to the gas station, and keep going, i find trainer and his friends a little while later, turns out they needed a wrench and a tire, i got one of those, so they send me on my way, and i go home, thirty minutes later i write this, life is strange aint it, bye

bah!

2005-10-25T19:26:21Z

had a day, was a bit stressed, angry, pissed, not quite sure. i threw my stats book across the union, twice, i threw it got up, grabbed it sat back down, and then threw it again, i thought it was pretty funny throwing books. In a reasonably good mood now, finished english, mostly, and am making ramen, i think thats the only thing keeping me alive some days, as it is one of my largest sources of calories. Writing in a goodish mood, just doesn't seem as inspired, as my unhappy rants. whatever, i'll talk to you peoples later, BYE.

how goes it?

2005-10-22T03:06:38Z

hey, tired, always seem to be tired, pisses me off, oh well. not doing perfect but good enough, its funny when i say stuff like that no one but me really knows what i mean, and most days i dont mean it how you think. my head hurts, got shot in the eye with a dart gun, perfect shot mind you, almost impressive if it didn't hurt. the day didn't really work out how i expected, and to a fair degree how i wanted, parts of it weren't bad, but the quiet time is on me now, and the rest of the day seems shallow, and false by comparison. like it didn't matter, or wasn't real. saw some friends today, but even that ended in a manner, that felt unsatisfactory, most of the participants didn't strike me as satisfied. and now, i'm by myself in the alone time, dont really mean to bitch, but i like to write these in a kind of stream of consciousness manner, helps to kinda organize my thoughts. alone, like i said, stuck my myself feeling down, and tired.
you know, every once in a while, i feel really motivated, i figure i can go out and change my life, and i have this wonderful sense that everything will work out in the end. then i try it, and is often the case, i manage to accomplish nothing more than reaffirming that i can't seem to make anything better, and then tend to feel worse for a while, as it seems that i cant make life the slightest bit better, so why bother trying anything. i'm at that point now, nothing seems to change, and nothhing ever seems to get, better, i'm stuck feling alone, and empty, and just kinda tired an sad, and there's nothing to do about it, but hope that tomorrow will be better, but i dont really believe it, it never is. talked to the lady from home depot, bout the job the other day, doesn't seem hopeful, oh well.
tired, Dan's birthday is tomorrow, dont feel like doing anything really, want to go get so bloody drunk, or high, or something, that i cant thin, so fucked up, that all the hurt and tired and pain, just kinda blurs into that feeling of whateverness that is so FUCKING much more tolerable than this shit.
yeah, i know, im jaded and bitter, and sound like i have given up. hell whos knows, i'll forget most of this shit in the morning, gone never happened, just a bunch of meaningless text that some other guy scrawled all over the FUCKING place, whatever, he he he LIKE IT FUCKING MATTERS anyway. ya know if you feel dead inside, why doesn't the rest of you go with it?
its been not so great for enough years now, that i dont think it was ever good, and i dont think it ever will be. whatever, what do i know, yeah.
have fun and try not to scare the norms.

day x

2005-10-19T01:14:37Z

tired, ish, gets to take a test tomorrow, joy. gots to write a paper by tomorrow night to, and my poor bathrobe had to be washed. very stressful today for some reason, well i think i know why, and ironically enough it doesn't have to do with the tests or papers, cause of something that currrently scares the hell out of me. not really in the mood to discuss the idea, but i think me being stressed was closer to a panic attack or something, on of those percieved problems that aren't really there, not really sure. oh well, oh, and i sincerely doubt you'll guess what it is that i am afraid of, i haven't talked about the idea to more than one person, and most likely it will stay that way. see you peoples